Just hit me upside the head with it

Do you ever have those days when you are like "OK God, I hear you!"? That was me today. Well, really me the last few weeks. I have been struggling with some thoughts and attitudes about things. For me, one way I deal is to run my mouth aka vent. Talking things out is one of the ways I process events. Figure out things and what step to take next. All healthy things, right? Most of the times, yes. But sometimes, when my venting comes at the expense of others, it is not. All it amounts to is me running my mouth.
And today, God smacked me in the face with that realization. After one of my vent sessions, this verse was posted by a friend on FB.

³¹ Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind).³² And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 AMP

Ouch! I was not being kind or tenderhearted or even useful in my rant. I was spewing anger and bitterness from my mouth. As hard as it may be to swallow, that is not what Christians are called to do. We are called to forgive and be kind to one another. That is hard to do when another is not being kind to you. Yet, we are supposed to rise above and forgive. That is some thing I am not very good at...forgiving. But, if we want God to forgive us we must forgive others.

^14-15 “In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part. Matthew 6:14-15 MSG

Ouch again! OK, God I hear you!

3 a.m.

It is 3 a.m. And once again, I am wide awake with the thoughts of the upcoming day racing through my head. I am not sure why God continues to wake me up, but in recent months, it seems like I have been awake more often than not at this hour. There is not much I can do at this hour without waking up my entire family as we live in a smaller home with a hallway that seems to funnel the smallest sound DIRECTLY into the bedrooms in which my precious babies and hubby rest their heads.
Some mornings I check Facebook. Others it is Pinterest. Some mornings I read the Bible. Today, I write.
My heart has been heavy the past few weeks with several things weighing me down.
Life gets to be too much at times and I just want to run away from it all. But I can't. And I don't. What is the purpose? It will all be there when I get back and, in most cases, the damage or tasks will be greater than when I jumped ship.
So, I find other ways to escape. Not all of them are healthy or productive. I bury my thoughts and feelings. Or I wear them on my sleeve. It seems lately that I have been struggling to find that perfect line to walk. But each day I am learning. Each day I find ways to improve my attitude, improve my outlook and improve my life.
Thankfully each day God reminds me that He is constantly with me. It may be through a song, my children's laughter, the peace that overcomes me when chaos seems to be all around, or the encouraging word from a friend.
I can't imagine what my life would be without my faith and the knowledge that the God of the universe is skillfully weaving the tapestry of my life. He created the heavens, the earth and the stars, but yet He still finds time to hold each teardrop I shed in His hands. He has parted seas, walked men out of fires, conquered giants but yet He finds time to tell me that He is in control and He only wants the best for my life.
Just the thought of that overwhelms me. Who am I that the great I Am cares so much about me to send me a kind word just when I needed it most? Who am I that even though I don't deserve them the Lord of All showers His blessings upon my life? In this world, I may be just number, a spec. But, to my Adonai, I am His daughter. His child. His creation. His love.

My Adonai

In the days following Riley's death, Shane and I began planning a funeral. I can remember speaking to my family friend and youth minister who would officiate the service and simply not knowing a topic for him to share. Shane and I knew immediately that "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me would be one of the songs played at my little one's funeral. It took me much longer to find another song. I purchased CDs, I listened to this one and that one and I could not find a song that fit the feelings that were inside of me. Finally I heard a song by Avalon, Adonai. It is not a traditional song one links to a funeral but in the moment that I heard the song I knew it was the song for Riley's funeral. It put into words the feelings that were inside of me.

One single drop of rain
Your salty tear became blue ocean
One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand
A world in motion
You're out beyond the furthest Morning Star
Close enough to hold me in Your arms

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You're Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

One timid faithful knock
Resounds upon the Rock of Ages
One trembling heart and soul
Becomes a servant bold and courageous
You call across the mountains and the seas
I answer from the deepest part of me

Adonai (Adonai), I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

Oh, From age to age you reign in Majesty
And today You're making miracles in me
Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai, You are Maker of each moment
Oh, Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai

As big as God is, He still found time to hold me in His arms. He is the maker of each moment. He is the Father of my hope and my freedom. And He made a miracle in me.

My miracle

Eight years ago today, I became a mommy. He had ten fingers, ten toes, red hair and his daddy's ears.
Labor pains woke me up in the early morning hours and as the contractions became closer and stronger, Shane, my mom and I made our way to Springfield. I can remember calling my boss to let her know I would not be in to work that day. I can remember screaming at Shane to go faster as the contractions ripped through my tummy. I remember being scared of what was coming. Not knowing if we would hear our son cry, how much time we would have and what the future, short and long-term, held for our little family.
Early on in my pregnancy, we learned Riley was special. We learned his kidneys were filled with cysts and that caused a chain reaction of issues that left more unknowns than certainties when it came to his life.
Despite the odds stacked against him, my brave son continued to thrive and fight. Through every ultrasound, every doctor's visit, every meeting with specialists, Shane and I prayed for a miracle. I can remember praying as the ultrasound tech put the wand to my belly that the cysts would be gone and that his kidneys would be fully-functioning and normal.
Toward the end of my pregnancy, that prayer changed to "Just two minutes with him, Lord. Please. I want him to know his mommy and daddy and how much we love him."
I can't remember the number of times I uttered that prayer.
Eight years ago today, God answered my prayer. He gave us more than "just two minutes." Much more. He gave us a lifetime with Riley - condensed into six, surreal weeks. In those six weeks, we received a glimpse of who are son was. His orneriness. His temper. His unbelievable fight to live. His love. And the fact that he KNEW who is mommy and daddy were.
My time with Riley taught me many things. The power of prayer. The strength of my faith. The pride of being a parent. The amazing compassion of others. God's divine timing. And, most importantly, to believe miracles. Because my son was one.
Happy 8th Birthday my sweet Riley.