I am having one of those days where nothing seems to be right and I am overly critical of EVERYTHING. I find myself reading status updates, headlines and other things only to mentally judge, questions and correct. I seriously had to stop looking at my phone at one point because everything that came into my head was negative and, at times, downright mean. Why? I am not sure why these days of grumpiness creep up. I have no reason to be grumpy. No reason to be judgmental or negative. But I am. It is like I think I, the almighty Katie, can, and would, do it better. But, would I? Isn't that why I sit back and judge? It's much easier to judge and put down than to put myself out there and fail. I think that is why I am too quick to critique. Quick to correct. Quick to judge. Because that is easy. I don't like to fail. I don't like to know someone else can do it better than me. So, let's not even try? Yep. That is how I protect myself.
But I also have to wonder what I am missing by not trying, not putting myself out there. My only hope is that I can get up the courage ... one of these days.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Sweating the small stuff
I sweat the small stuff. I worry endlessly about the crossing of Ts and the dotting of Is...almost to the point of illness. Last weekend I made myself sick by worrying about what I felt like was a huge mistake to find out it wasn't THAT big of a deal. Yes, it was a mistake but a very fixable one. As I sat at my desk Monday still upset about this "mistake," God began to open my eyes to those around me who were dealing with major issues. And while my mistake felt like a major issue to me, it was NOTHING compared to what my friends were facing that morning. I have a friend facing several major life events within a matter of two months with many details still unknown. I found out that one of my college friends is facing breast cancer. And that was all before 8 a.m. I am sure there are many more things my friends were "sweating" that were much more that just "small stuff." In those few minutes God reminded me that my worrying only added to my stress and that I needed to change my perspective.
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Phil 4:6-7 The Message
While we were in the hospital with Riley, we would sit around his spot in the NICU and see families that were facing much greater battles. We watched kiddos come into that hospital and never leave those walls. For every battle we faced, there was another child and their family facing a greater battle within 10 feet of us. It really put things into perspective for me. Despite walking through that battle 8 years ago, I still sweat the small things; and, during those times I am thankful that God puts reminders in my path to help me remember to change my perspective and focus on Him rather than worry.
Both of my friends have such a strong testimony of faith, prayer and confidence in Him as they face the giants in their paths. While I reflected on my friends trials on Monday God reminded me of another thing...despite the giant (or even a "tiny" trial) you may be facing, He is faithful and right there with His children. He is in control and will not give us anything that we can not walk through - WITH HIM.
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. (I Cor. 10:13 The Message)
Can we do it on our own? No. But with His strength, He will carry us through...even the small stuff.
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Phil 4:6-7 The Message
While we were in the hospital with Riley, we would sit around his spot in the NICU and see families that were facing much greater battles. We watched kiddos come into that hospital and never leave those walls. For every battle we faced, there was another child and their family facing a greater battle within 10 feet of us. It really put things into perspective for me. Despite walking through that battle 8 years ago, I still sweat the small things; and, during those times I am thankful that God puts reminders in my path to help me remember to change my perspective and focus on Him rather than worry.
Both of my friends have such a strong testimony of faith, prayer and confidence in Him as they face the giants in their paths. While I reflected on my friends trials on Monday God reminded me of another thing...despite the giant (or even a "tiny" trial) you may be facing, He is faithful and right there with His children. He is in control and will not give us anything that we can not walk through - WITH HIM.
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. (I Cor. 10:13 The Message)
Can we do it on our own? No. But with His strength, He will carry us through...even the small stuff.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Just hit me upside the head with it
Do you ever have those days when you are like "OK God, I hear you!"? That was me today. Well, really me the last few weeks. I have been struggling with some thoughts and attitudes about things. For me, one way I deal is to run my mouth aka vent. Talking things out is one of the ways I process events. Figure out things and what step to take next. All healthy things, right? Most of the times, yes. But sometimes, when my venting comes at the expense of others, it is not. All it amounts to is me running my mouth.
And today, God smacked me in the face with that realization. After one of my vent sessions, this verse was posted by a friend on FB.
And today, God smacked me in the face with that realization. After one of my vent sessions, this verse was posted by a friend on FB.
31 Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind).32 And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 AMP
Ouch! I was not being kind or tenderhearted or even useful in my rant. I was spewing anger and bitterness from my mouth. As hard as it may be to swallow, that is not what Christians are called to do. We are called to forgive and be kind to one another. That is hard to do when another is not being kind to you. Yet, we are supposed to rise above and forgive. That is some thing I am not very good at...forgiving. But, if we want God to forgive us we must forgive others.
14-15 “In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part. Matthew 6:14-15 MSG
Ouch again! OK, God I hear you!Wednesday, April 17, 2013
3 a.m.
It is 3 a.m. And once again, I am wide awake with the thoughts of the upcoming day racing through my head. I am not sure why God continues to wake me up, but in recent months, it seems like I have been awake more often than not at this hour. There is not much I can do at this hour without waking up my entire family as we live in a smaller home with a hallway that seems to funnel the smallest sound DIRECTLY into the bedrooms in which my precious babies and hubby rest their heads.
Some mornings I check Facebook. Others it is Pinterest. Some mornings I read the Bible. Today, I write.
My heart has been heavy the past few weeks with several things weighing me down.
Life gets to be too much at times and I just want to run away from it all. But I can't. And I don't. What is the purpose? It will all be there when I get back and, in most cases, the damage or tasks will be greater than when I jumped ship.
So, I find other ways to escape. Not all of them are healthy or productive. I bury my thoughts and feelings. Or I wear them on my sleeve. It seems lately that I have been struggling to find that perfect line to walk. But each day I am learning. Each day I find ways to improve my attitude, improve my outlook and improve my life.
Thankfully each day God reminds me that He is constantly with me. It may be through a song, my children's laughter, the peace that overcomes me when chaos seems to be all around, or the encouraging word from a friend.
I can't imagine what my life would be without my faith and the knowledge that the God of the universe is skillfully weaving the tapestry of my life. He created the heavens, the earth and the stars, but yet He still finds time to hold each teardrop I shed in His hands. He has parted seas, walked men out of fires, conquered giants but yet He finds time to tell me that He is in control and He only wants the best for my life.
Just the thought of that overwhelms me. Who am I that the great I Am cares so much about me to send me a kind word just when I needed it most? Who am I that even though I don't deserve them the Lord of All showers His blessings upon my life? In this world, I may be just number, a spec. But, to my Adonai, I am His daughter. His child. His creation. His love.
Some mornings I check Facebook. Others it is Pinterest. Some mornings I read the Bible. Today, I write.
My heart has been heavy the past few weeks with several things weighing me down.
Life gets to be too much at times and I just want to run away from it all. But I can't. And I don't. What is the purpose? It will all be there when I get back and, in most cases, the damage or tasks will be greater than when I jumped ship.
So, I find other ways to escape. Not all of them are healthy or productive. I bury my thoughts and feelings. Or I wear them on my sleeve. It seems lately that I have been struggling to find that perfect line to walk. But each day I am learning. Each day I find ways to improve my attitude, improve my outlook and improve my life.
Thankfully each day God reminds me that He is constantly with me. It may be through a song, my children's laughter, the peace that overcomes me when chaos seems to be all around, or the encouraging word from a friend.
I can't imagine what my life would be without my faith and the knowledge that the God of the universe is skillfully weaving the tapestry of my life. He created the heavens, the earth and the stars, but yet He still finds time to hold each teardrop I shed in His hands. He has parted seas, walked men out of fires, conquered giants but yet He finds time to tell me that He is in control and He only wants the best for my life.
Just the thought of that overwhelms me. Who am I that the great I Am cares so much about me to send me a kind word just when I needed it most? Who am I that even though I don't deserve them the Lord of All showers His blessings upon my life? In this world, I may be just number, a spec. But, to my Adonai, I am His daughter. His child. His creation. His love.
My Adonai
In the days following Riley's death, Shane and I began planning a funeral. I can remember speaking to my family friend and youth minister who would officiate the service and simply not knowing a topic for him to share. Shane and I knew immediately that "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me would be one of the songs played at my little one's funeral. It took me much longer to find another song. I purchased CDs, I listened to this one and that one and I could not find a song that fit the feelings that were inside of me. Finally I heard a song by Avalon, Adonai. It is not a traditional song one links to a funeral but in the moment that I heard the song I knew it was the song for Riley's funeral. It put into words the feelings that were inside of me.
One single drop of rain
Your salty tear became blue ocean
One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand
A world in motion
You're out beyond the furthest Morning Star
Close enough to hold me in Your arms
Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You're Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
One timid faithful knock
Resounds upon the Rock of Ages
One trembling heart and soul
Becomes a servant bold and courageous
You call across the mountains and the seas
I answer from the deepest part of me
Adonai (Adonai), I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
Oh, From age to age you reign in Majesty
And today You're making miracles in me
Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai, You are Maker of each moment
Oh, Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
As big as God is, He still found time to hold me in His arms. He is the maker of each moment. He is the Father of my hope and my freedom. And He made a miracle in me.
One single drop of rain
Your salty tear became blue ocean
One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand
A world in motion
You're out beyond the furthest Morning Star
Close enough to hold me in Your arms
Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You're Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
One timid faithful knock
Resounds upon the Rock of Ages
One trembling heart and soul
Becomes a servant bold and courageous
You call across the mountains and the seas
I answer from the deepest part of me
Adonai (Adonai), I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are Maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
Oh, From age to age you reign in Majesty
And today You're making miracles in me
Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai, You are Maker of each moment
Oh, Father of my hope and freedom
Oh, my Adonai
As big as God is, He still found time to hold me in His arms. He is the maker of each moment. He is the Father of my hope and my freedom. And He made a miracle in me.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
My miracle
Eight years ago today, I became a mommy. He had ten fingers, ten toes, red hair and his daddy's ears.
Labor pains woke me up in the early morning hours and as the contractions became closer and stronger, Shane, my mom and I made our way to Springfield. I can remember calling my boss to let her know I would not be in to work that day. I can remember screaming at Shane to go faster as the contractions ripped through my tummy. I remember being scared of what was coming. Not knowing if we would hear our son cry, how much time we would have and what the future, short and long-term, held for our little family.
Early on in my pregnancy, we learned Riley was special. We learned his kidneys were filled with cysts and that caused a chain reaction of issues that left more unknowns than certainties when it came to his life.
Despite the odds stacked against him, my brave son continued to thrive and fight. Through every ultrasound, every doctor's visit, every meeting with specialists, Shane and I prayed for a miracle. I can remember praying as the ultrasound tech put the wand to my belly that the cysts would be gone and that his kidneys would be fully-functioning and normal.
Toward the end of my pregnancy, that prayer changed to "Just two minutes with him, Lord. Please. I want him to know his mommy and daddy and how much we love him."
I can't remember the number of times I uttered that prayer.
Eight years ago today, God answered my prayer. He gave us more than "just two minutes." Much more. He gave us a lifetime with Riley - condensed into six, surreal weeks. In those six weeks, we received a glimpse of who are son was. His orneriness. His temper. His unbelievable fight to live. His love. And the fact that he KNEW who is mommy and daddy were.
My time with Riley taught me many things. The power of prayer. The strength of my faith. The pride of being a parent. The amazing compassion of others. God's divine timing. And, most importantly, to believe miracles. Because my son was one.
Happy 8th Birthday my sweet Riley.
Labor pains woke me up in the early morning hours and as the contractions became closer and stronger, Shane, my mom and I made our way to Springfield. I can remember calling my boss to let her know I would not be in to work that day. I can remember screaming at Shane to go faster as the contractions ripped through my tummy. I remember being scared of what was coming. Not knowing if we would hear our son cry, how much time we would have and what the future, short and long-term, held for our little family.
Early on in my pregnancy, we learned Riley was special. We learned his kidneys were filled with cysts and that caused a chain reaction of issues that left more unknowns than certainties when it came to his life.
Despite the odds stacked against him, my brave son continued to thrive and fight. Through every ultrasound, every doctor's visit, every meeting with specialists, Shane and I prayed for a miracle. I can remember praying as the ultrasound tech put the wand to my belly that the cysts would be gone and that his kidneys would be fully-functioning and normal.
Toward the end of my pregnancy, that prayer changed to "Just two minutes with him, Lord. Please. I want him to know his mommy and daddy and how much we love him."
I can't remember the number of times I uttered that prayer.
Eight years ago today, God answered my prayer. He gave us more than "just two minutes." Much more. He gave us a lifetime with Riley - condensed into six, surreal weeks. In those six weeks, we received a glimpse of who are son was. His orneriness. His temper. His unbelievable fight to live. His love. And the fact that he KNEW who is mommy and daddy were.
My time with Riley taught me many things. The power of prayer. The strength of my faith. The pride of being a parent. The amazing compassion of others. God's divine timing. And, most importantly, to believe miracles. Because my son was one.
Happy 8th Birthday my sweet Riley.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Detoxing
Yesterday I had a foot detox. It was pretty interesting to see what the color, texture and particles in my water could tell someone about the workings of my insides. The procedure made me think about my diet and more importantly, my life.
People detox for a variety of reasons. Some detoxes are forced, or required, in order to survive while others are by choice and used to improve areas of your life.
At various points in my life, I have gone through a cleansing of my system. I have given up soda...only to sneak one here and there at time. I have learned that one soda every once in awhile is about all my system can take anymore. I drink too many and I break out in hives.
I have given up carbs ... that only worked for a few days. But my foot detox clearly revealed that carbs are something that I need to have in moderation. Too many and my system becomes out of sync and toxic.
While most people think of detoxing their actual bodies, some cleansings have taken place by eliminating things from my life. I have changed my radio station in the car to Christian music (well, unless the kids are listening to their Toy Story CD). I have let friendships go that held me back or drained me. I given up certain television shows because I felt like the message they were sending was wrong for me and my family. I could go on and on about the things that I have given up in order to be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend and a better me. And there are many more things that I need to give up.
Why? Because at the heart of detoxing is removing the bad, the toxins from your life and replacing them with good, healthy things that build you up, not tear you down. I like how The Message explains the Bible's form of detox:
So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1-2
What this says to me is that I have to get rid of the toxic energy in my life. Those things that drain me of me energy. Drain me of my joy. It may not be the norm or what the world thinks is right. Instead, I must focus on what is good, what is healthy for my body, my life and my family. And not just my physical body but my spiritual and mental self as well.
What areas in your life do you need to "detox?"
People detox for a variety of reasons. Some detoxes are forced, or required, in order to survive while others are by choice and used to improve areas of your life.
At various points in my life, I have gone through a cleansing of my system. I have given up soda...only to sneak one here and there at time. I have learned that one soda every once in awhile is about all my system can take anymore. I drink too many and I break out in hives.
I have given up carbs ... that only worked for a few days. But my foot detox clearly revealed that carbs are something that I need to have in moderation. Too many and my system becomes out of sync and toxic.
While most people think of detoxing their actual bodies, some cleansings have taken place by eliminating things from my life. I have changed my radio station in the car to Christian music (well, unless the kids are listening to their Toy Story CD). I have let friendships go that held me back or drained me. I given up certain television shows because I felt like the message they were sending was wrong for me and my family. I could go on and on about the things that I have given up in order to be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend and a better me. And there are many more things that I need to give up.
Why? Because at the heart of detoxing is removing the bad, the toxins from your life and replacing them with good, healthy things that build you up, not tear you down. I like how The Message explains the Bible's form of detox:
So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1-2
What this says to me is that I have to get rid of the toxic energy in my life. Those things that drain me of me energy. Drain me of my joy. It may not be the norm or what the world thinks is right. Instead, I must focus on what is good, what is healthy for my body, my life and my family. And not just my physical body but my spiritual and mental self as well.
What areas in your life do you need to "detox?"
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